PinealWeb, Browser for the Illuminated Generation!
Welcome to PinealWeb, the browser that lets you surf the Internet directly
from your third eye! Using patented GneoGnostic technology,
PinealWeb is able to provide an immersive Web browsing experience by pumping
data directly through your pineal gland.
PinealWeb uses revolutionary hypotext techniques developed by computer
scientists for inserting text directly into the nervous system.
By allowing data to flow beneath layers of baked-in, caked-on mental
grime, you can grasp exactly what the essence of the document is without having
to muck about with several decades of post-modernist
Better than Virtual Reality!
For years now, we have been promised the benefits of virtual reality
(including better moral hygiene and greater social placidity), but these
promises have come to naught. Millions of young schoolchildren have
been forced to eat government-subsidized school lunches when they could
instead have been frolicking in the fields of virtual reality with their
government-subsidized laptop computers. No more! PinealWeb
brings you something better than virtual reality,
and it brings it to you TODAY!
That's right; by using PinealWeb, you
will actually feel as if you are in the text, romping about at play
in the fields of multimedia. Verbs will have more verve, nouns will have
more heft (and dangling participles may be truly dangerous). With Hypotext
Technology, your subconscious will actually conspire against you
to launch you into a Chapel Perilous of reason and symbolism.
Instant Comprehension and Retention
Because PinealWeb's use of SubliminalSideband,
Authors can specify important points that Readers should take away with
them. This revolutionary new idea enables Authors to longer
have to muck about with outlines, argumentation, and structure. Norway
Precognitive Browsing Tools
Since PinealWeb establishes a direct 50 MB/s connection
to your pineal gland, it can use Temporal Resonance Feedback
in order to predict exactly which pages the Reader will want to fetch next,
so that it can prefetch them in massively parallel network operations.
In this way, you can instantly find out everything you need to know, without
all that tedious messing around with serendipity and exploration.
Ancient and Accepted Markup Language
PinealWeb supports a superset of HTML known as A3ML. This markup
language was used by the ancient SGML-beasts of Mu in order to provide
in a machine- and display-independent format.
If your page is A3ML-compliant, you may be eligible
to participate in the PinealWeb logo program! To participate, include the
following markup in your A3ML document:
ALT="[Optimized for PinealWeb]" BORDER=0>
To obtain PinealWeb, think very hard at this spot here.
Unfortunately, because PinealWeb is written in trinary
(for performance reasons), it can only be transmitted using ExtraSensory
Transport Protocol. If your browser supports this, you're in luck, and
we'll download PinealWeb directly to your brain. If
not, please be patient, a NetBSD port is coming soon.
PinealWeb is currently only available for Ontology 1.2,
part of the Emporer Norton Utilities. Remember, you must first have the
Enlightenment Tune-Up before you can install Ontology on your wetware.
Last modified: May 6, 1997
Foobaz the Slowly Inclining, PinealWeb Research, Inc.